CAL: Hmm.
Asshole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him...
...but is actually full of shit like the rest of them.
- [WHISPERS] This is not about Robbie. - Mm-mm.
Asshole. As in someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes...
...because he's nervous.
- All right, all right, all right. - Ew. Ew. Oh.
CAL: You know what? Know what? No.
Here's the deal.
- [WHISPERS] She's an alcoholic. - Aah!
EMILY: Oh, God. Okay. CAL: That's... I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. God. EMILY: I gotta go.
KATE: Aah! - Oh, my God. Emily. God.
- Emily, Emily, wait. - Leave me alone, Cal.
KATE: I'm sober five years, asshole!
Okay, yeah, I did. I did.
I slept with our son's eighth-grade English teacher.
EMILY: I know. I know.
And I cheated, so I have no right to be angry.
Not the point. When we were married you were the only woman...
...that I had ever slept with...
...and now I have had sex with nine different women... God.
Nine?
Wow.
You showed me.
I wasn't trying to show you.
I was trying to move on.
But I don't want to.
You've always been the only one.
Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole.
You said that to her?
I did, yes.
Who are you?
I'm your soul mate.
[ENGINE STARTS]
What a cliché.
RICHARD: You, get over here. Come on.
Yeah, yeah, give it up. Give it up for her.
Aw.
I'm so proud of you, baby.
I had my doubts, of course.
[ALL LAUGH]
Hannah, I did tell you that tonight would be a special night if you passed the bar.
So, Hannah...
...I would like to formally ask you...
...in front of all our friends and colleagues...
...if you would like to become...
...a permanent lawyer at the firm of Watkins, Goldberg and Schmidt? Huh?
How about that? Ha, ha. To you.
Whoo!
[RICHARD CHUCKLES]
What?
- I ju... Um... RICHARD: What, what is it?
I thought that you were gonna propose for some reason.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
RICHARD: What? - Yeah. I know. I'm just...
It's just, uh, I'm a little thrown.
RICHARD: I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that you thought that we were there.
Oh, no. God, no. Don't be silly. I just...
I need some time, I think...
...to figure out how I feel about us, you know?
Brrp. Long-term.
You need some time?
You need some time to figure out how you feel about us? Okay.
Honey?
[LAUGHS]
- Wow. Ha-ha-ha. - Ha, ha. Wow.
- Ahem. - Wow. Huh.
Wow.
[HANNAH LAUGHING]
This is actually really funny. I'm just... Next level.
- Is this yours? Is this yours? MAN: Yes.
Mm. Mm.
RICHARD: Honey?
- Is this gin? MAN: Yes.
- There's, like, no water in that. - Yeah.
RICHARD: Great. - Mm. Aah, I hate gin.
Wow, you know what? Thank you, Richard.
Honestly, thank you very much for your job offer. I will consider it.
Hannah Banana.
LIZ: Whoo! Ha, ha. - Banana. Hannah.
WOMAN: Do you wanna buy me a drink? JACOB: Yes.
- It's nicer that way. Right? HANNAH: You.
You remember me?
Yeah.
- You still find me attractive? - Yes.
HANNAH: Still wanna take me home?
Yeah.
Let's go.
[DORIS TROY'S "JUST ONE LOOK" PLAYING ON STEREO]
Just one look
And I fell so hard
Here.
I really like this song. This was a good choice. Yeah.
- Good song. You never hear this song. - Mm-hm. Mm-mm.
Love this song.
[CHUCKLES]
JACOB: Cheers.
How good it feels
Ugh.
That's not my drink.
Your love
Mm. Mm.
Ugh.
It's not my favorite. Thank you.
Forever
And always
- So is this how it normally works? - What?
You put on the perfect song, you make them a drink.
And I knew
And then you sleep together.
That you
Um...
Yeah.
I'm very nervous.
I'm getting that.
Okay. Because I know I seemed confident back at the bar...
...but that was mostly just because I was cold and wet...
...and trying to be dramatic a little bit.
You're adorable.
No.
I am sexy.
- I am R-rated sexy. - Mm-hm.
Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight, all right? I know.
It's that I get really drunk and then I pass out.
You cover me with a blanket, kiss me on the cheek, nothing happens.
But that's not why I'm here.
I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar.
- Jacob. - Jacob.
- Are people still saying "bang"? - I do.
We are gonna bang. Hmm?
This is happening.
- Take off your shirt. - Why?
Please, will you take off your shirt? I can't stop thinking. I need to just...
- Okay, okay, okay. - All right, okay, okay, okay.
Fuck.
Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped.
Can l...?
JACOB: Aah. You have cold hands.
- Now you take off your dress. - No.
- Yes. - No. Not with that going on. No, thank you.
Is there dim lighting somewhere? Oh, God.
Okay, so then what do we do? What happens now? Like, logistically?
- What's your move? - What do you mean, what's my move?
- What's your move? Your big move? - I got lots of moves.
- What's your big move? - I'm not telling.
- Tell me your move. - You're not ready for the big move.
- Yes, I am. - You can't handle the big move.
- Tell me your big move. - I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation.
Dirty Dancing?
- Can I sit down, please? - Yeah.
- Can I put back on my shirt? - No.
Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it?
You know the big move at the end where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
- Yeah. - I can do that.
- Okay. - So I tell girls I can do the move.
I put on the song "Time of Your Life." I do the big move.
And they always wanna have sex with me.
Oh, my God. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
I agree. But it works every time.
That would not work on me.
[BILL MEDLEY AND JENNIFER WARNES' "THE TIME OF MY LIFE" PLAYING]
Oh, God, this is ridiculous. I don't wanna do it.
Come on.
This is beyond ridiculous.
- Run and jump. - No.
- Yeah. Come on. - No, thank you.
Thank God I'm drunk. Here we go.
[SHRIEKING]
'Cause I've had the time of my life
And I owe it all to you
I've been waiting for so long
Now I've finally found someone To stand by me
Ahem. So do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom?
The bedroom is preferred.
Mm-hm. Yeah, okay. Let's go there.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
HANNAH: This pillow...
...forms perfectly to the shape of my head.
Yeah.
Is this one of those foam pillows from Brookstone?
[JACOB SIGHS]
Yeah.
- Yeah? Oh. - Yeah.
I always wondered who buys those kind of...
The hot guy from the bar buys these. Of course.
- Jacob. - Mm-hm, Jacob. Sorry about that.
Good.
I'm sorry, continue.
You don't have one of those ridiculous, um, massage chairs, do you?
[JACOB SIGHS]
- You do? - No.
- Yes, you do. - Yeah, I do.
- Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God. - I don't. I don't. I do.
Who would have that? I would. I have that.
- How much was it? - Five thousand dollars.
[LAUGHING]
Ask me how many times I've used it.
- How many times have you used it? - Twice.
That's $2500 a massage.
Twice.
- Where is it? - It's in the garage.
Can I sit in the massage chair?
[CHAIR HUMMING]
I hate it.
The Home Shopping Network. But I'm addic... I buy... I'm just the worst.
- Do you have a Slap Chop? - Yes.
- The knife that cuts through the penny? - Yes.
- Ha-ha-ha. What else do you have? - Coin Bears.
Coin Bears? You don't have Coin Bears.
I have a whole set from each state.
You have 50 Coin Bears?
- They have a coin in their foot. - You stay up nights.
I am wildly unhappy.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working.
- Were you smart in school? - A little bossy, yeah.
But I won a spelling bee and my dad cried at the spelling bee.
- No way. That's nice. - Mm-hm.
- What word did you win on? - It was so stupid.
[IMITATING LAUREN BACALL] I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee.
What, you think coffee and sleep don't mix?
Well, they do if it's High Point. It's decaffeinated.
And the flavor is marvelous.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Do you have that mold that makes cakes...?
I have calf pants.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I have pants just for my calves. Calf pants.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[HANNAH SNORTS]
Oh, my God.
Could you do me a favor?
- What? - Will you do me a kindness?
HANNAH: Mm.
Will you ask me something personal about myself?
Hmm. Okay, fine. I'll do it. And then we bang.
Yes.
What's your mother like?
My mom is very beautiful.
Um... Very vain.
Very smart.
Cold.
And your dad?
Um...
He died a long time ago.
He was such a sweet guy.
He was probably too sweet.
Very successful in business.
He made a lot of money, which is why I have all this stuff.
But he was soft.
Just too soft, too sensitive.
And, you know, Dad, he couldn't really handle my mother...
...and didn't really make an effort.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
CAL [OVER MACHINE]: Hey, Jacob, it's Cal.
Where are you?
Remember the first woman I picked up, that teacher?
Well, I have a story to tell you about her.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
CAL: It's been a week. I haven't heard from you. Should I be concerned?
I am imagining you suffocating under a pile of women. Call me.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
Oh. Yeah, hey, it's me again.
Left like a hundred messages.
Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing, I'm not getting it, so...
Call me back, please. Thanks.
DAVID: Been to St. Louis? EMILY: No, I haven't.
DAVID: I always dreamt of playing shortstop for the St. Louis Cardinals, actually...
...but I couldn't hit a curveball, so I did the next best thing.
Yeah, you became an accountant.
Right. Exactly.
I mean, the money's not as good, but there's less travel.
Mm. Ha, ha.
- I was gonna be a ballerina. - Really?
So tell me, what is it with women and ballerinas?
I just pictured myself in the ballet.
It's not like I had a lot of training or anything.
I mean, I actually never really had a lesson...
...and, um, haven't seen a ballet.
You've never been to the ballet?
- Mm-mm. DAVID: Wow.
- I'd love to take you to the ballet. - You'd love to go to the ballet?
I didn't say that. I'd love to take you to the ballet. I'd drop you off.
Later on I'd pick you up and we could go to a ball game.
EMILY: Oh, I get it.
[BOTH LAUGH]
EMILY: Ha, ha. - I had a lot of fun tonight.
You like sushi? I know this really great little sushi place...
EMILY: I don't eat sushi.
- That we're never gonna go to because I hate sushi.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, hi. Hi, Jess.
Uh, this is my work friend, David.
David is an accountant.
David, this is Jessica, my babysitter.
Uh...
So, you know, everything looks great.
Spreadsheets.
See you at work.
Yeah, see you at work.
So how was dinner?
- Oh, well, you know, it was just for work. - Yeah.
- That's a really pretty dress. - Thank you. What do I owe you?
Do you know that your kids are the only ones that I babysit for...
...that wanna stay awake so that they can see their dad when he gets home?
Yeah, I mean, they fight with everything they have to keep their eyes open.
And don't get me wrong...
...no, your kids are really excited to see you when you get home too, Ms. Weaver...
...but not a lot wanna stay up for Dad.
Honey, what are you trying to say?
Batshit crazy.
Jessica, uh, what...?
- Let me give you... - I don't want your slutty money.
Sweetheart, what's the pro...? What's wrong?
"Slutty money"?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
EMILY: Kids.
Kids. Ice cream.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
MOLLY: I knew it. I knew it. - Yeah. I'll be right back.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Oh, shit. Oh, God.
[BUZZING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hello?
- [OVER PHONE] Hi, Cal. - Hi.
Um...
So...
...I'm just calling, um...
...because I'm in the basement...
...and I'm trying to get the water heater working, um...
...because the pilot light's out and I don't know how to relight it.
So I'm sorry to bother you.
No, no. It's fine. That's fine. Call me...
I'm glad you called about this.
- I'll just walk you through it, okay? - Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
All right, so there's a gray door. You see the gray door?
- Yeah. - Okay, just slide that down.
Okay.
There's a red button with the word "push" on it.
I wrote the word "push" on it?
So you push it. And you turn it to the right.
I got it.
And then just put the match in.
Oh, there it goes.
Just have to slide the gray door down again and you're good to go.
Oh.
Well, thanks, Cal. I appreciate your help.
Oh, you know what? Just call anytime with stuff like that. That's...
Oh, yeah. Uh...
Yeah. Oh.
Sure.
So I'll talk to you soon.
Yeah, and, um...
Thanks again.
No, that's... My pleasure.
Don't want you to blow up the house.
[EMILY & CAL CHUCKLE]
Bye.
MOLLY: Dad, can we go to McDonald's? CAL: Uh, no.
MOLLY: Why not?
CAL: Check it out.
ROBBIE: Only reason they play them is they're catchy.
- Thank you. CASHIER: Here you go, sir.
Now, does it come in sheets...?
Oh, yeah, it's a 4 by 8. Standard 4 by 8, your 3/4 inch stock. Yeah.
- Now, this is for my wife. - Oh. That's nice.
MOLLY: It has curtains.
- Oh, hey, Cal. CAL: Hey, Bernie.
MOLLY: Hi, Mr. Riley. ROBBIE: Hi, Mr. Riley.
- How's it going? - Oh, good.
I'd love to catch up, but I'm doing something to the house later.
Kind of in a rush.
Thanks for the cologne.
BERNIE: Do you know if this is chintz?
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
CAL: Hello? JACOB [OVER PHONE]: Cal.
- Jacob. - [OVER PHONE] Oh, my God, it's alive.
Hey, sorry I kind of dropped off the grid there, pal.
You left me in my hour of need, my friend.
Yeah, well...
...I'm in a bit of a situation.
A pickle, if you will.
- I got no one else to call. - Ha, ha.
- I met a girl. - Oh, really?
JACOB: I'm spending all this time with her and she is a game changer.
She's a game changer? No way.
So much so I'm going to meet her mother right now.
A mother and daughter. That's very Wilt Chamberlain-esque, even for you.
- What is the matter with you? - Ha, ha.
I don't know what to do. I need some advice.
You might actually have to answer some personal questions about yourself.
You gotta smile a lot. You've gotta be charming.
Definitely don't be yourself.
That's what you've got for me, don't be myself?
- Ha-ha-ha. - Great. Thanks for nothing.
Do you wanna get a...?
Do you wanna get a beer next week?
You have my number.
And, you know, don't worry about tonight. You'll be fine.
- Good for you, by the way. - See you, buddy.
Honk. You gotta get that fixed.
- Okay. All right. - Let's go.
[GASPS]
Va-jay-jay.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: ... out of this fourth inning with just one run in.
MAN 2 [ON TV]: He's right on the verge of a big hit knocking him out of the game here.
He's staying in there, very competitive today.
JESSICA: No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.
No, leave him. Let him go. He can handle it. Let him go.
Honey! Get out of my purse. Stay out of my purse!
Do not take those keys! Do not take those keys! I'm not letting you take those keys.
You're not following your father! Stop it!
No! No! Let your father handle it. You're not to see that man again!
That man's a pervert!
- Stay out of it! - No!
Is that pervert sexting you?
Hey, baby.
What are you wearing?
Dad's here. I have to blindfold you.
- Why? What's he doing? - Just come on.
[HORN HONKING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[GASPING]
Hate this. Bad.
EMILY: Is this something I'm gonna have to clean up?
ROBBIE: Mom, no, don't worry about it. Keep going.
EMILY: Honey, honey, I really can't see. ROBBIE: Mom, I got you.
Two. Right now we're on the ground. One more step.
- Three. - Three. Yay.
Mom, no more steps. We're on the ground.
Mom, relax. It's your husband, not al Qaeda.
Hi, Em.
EMILY: Oh, hey. Can I take this off now, please?
- Nope, not yet. - Oh, what's this?
[MOLLY GIGGLES]
- I hear you, gigglepuss. - Do it.
[CAL CLEARS THROAT]
May I have your attention?
[SPANDAU BALLET'S "TRUE" PLAYING ON STEREO]
Many years ago, in the hallway of Woodside Middle School...
...Cal Weaver saw Emily Boyle for the first time.
Cal, are you seriously gonna do this in front of the kids?
Mm-hm.
If anything goes wrong I'm supposed to take her upstairs and put the TV on loud.
All right. Well, we may as well wait for your daughter.
- She's right here. - No, no, no. I mean our other daughter.
HANNAH: Hello? - Nanna.
- Hi, guys. EMILY: Hi, sweetheart.
CAL: Hi. HANNAH: What's going on?
EMILY: Oh, I don't know. Some game. He won't let me take this dumb blindfold off.
- Cal? - Is that him?
What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here? - Wait, do you guys know each other?
- What's going on? - What are you doing here?
ROBBIE: Hey, Nanna. - Hi, Robbie.
- Hey, Nanna. - Hi, cutie.
Jacob, it's so nice to meet you.
I've heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna.
- I'm sorry, what's a Nanna? HANNAH: I am.
I couldn't say Hannah. How do you know my dad?
EMILY: She couldn't say her H's at all.
Okay. I'm having trouble understanding what's going on right now.
- Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend. CAL: No, it's not.
- I was bringing him over to meet Mom. - No. No. No, no, no.
EMILY: I wanna see the boyfriend. - I can't breathe.
EMILY: Can I take this off?
Cal, what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up?
I was 17. That's why we had to get married so young.
- You should have told me. - Never wanted me to talk about my children.
- Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now. - That's fine. Why don't you go do that?
- Yeah. Can I come? - No.
So you guys, like, really know each other, then.
Oh, screw it. This is ridiculous.
- Honey, he's really cute. - No, he's not.
Look at you. You're really a mother? I don't believe it, sister.
Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing.
You guys are a couple, right? You guys are together?
- Yeah. - No way. Break up right now.
- Daddy? - Please don't call him that.
- Cal, that's not gonna happen. - Then I will mess you up.
- Dad. - Cal.
- Jessica?
Bernie?
[CAL & BERNIE GRUNT]
Daddy, no.
I let her babysit for you, you son of a bitch.
- She's only 17 years old. - What are you talking about?
- Oh, God. CAL: No idea what you're talking about.
- Aah! EMILY: Bernie.
Daddy, no. No, no, no. Stop it.
[WOMEN SHOUTING]
ROBBIE: Dad. HANNAH: Jacob! Oh, God.
JESSICA: Stop it. He didn't do anything.
- He doesn't know. EMILY: Is your back okay?
- Know what? - Know what?
Is this some kind of a skit? Because I'm lost.
- Argh! JESSICA: No.
- Aah! JESSICA: No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy.
He didn't even know that I'm in love with him.
- With who? JESSICA: With him.
- You pointing at me? - You pointing at him?
She's pointing at him? Oh.
Wait. My dad is the older guy you've been seeing?
- I knew it. You... - He doesn't know about the naked photos.
- What? - Jessica.
You made him naked photos? Seriously?
- I'm gonna beat you till your brains fall out. - Timeout, timeout. Hold on.
- But I love her. - Jessica's the one you're in love with?
DAVID: Excuse me, Emily?
- You left your sweater in my car. - Oh.
- Who are you? - David Lindhagen.
- David Lindhagen? - David Lindhagen.
Okay.
- Is this a bad time? - Yeah.
- Unh. - Jacob.
Know how much pain and suffering you caused my friend?
- Stay the hell away from my daughter. - Ow.
You stay away from my daughter.
- I don't even know you. JESSICA: Stop it.
Oh, my God. That is not... What are you grabbing?
[ALL GRUNTING]
HANNAH: Really? Really? - Come on.
CAL: Let go of me! Let go of me! Let go of me!
BERNIE: Come on, she's my daughter. CAL: Stop it. Stop it.
BERNIE: I'll kill you.
MAN: So...
Okay, wait. Which one of you is Lindhagen again?
ALL: Hagen.
I'm just gonna write, "Domestic disturbance, all clear."
Thank you, officer.
Just simmer down, okay? We all have arguments.
But if you're gonna fight, just do it inside. Keep it in the family, okay?
[GIGGLES]
[WHISPERS] I will kill you.
BERNIE: Let's go.
- Daddy? BERNIE: Now.
- Daddy? - Now.
Cal.
Come on.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Honey.
This guy is a lowlife, he is a womanizer.
- That's ironic. - Excuse me?
I know him. I have witnessed him in action.
- And you are not to see him anymore. - Dad, I'm not gonna stop seeing him.
Okay. Okay. Well, then we have nothing more to talk about.
- You're being unreasonable. - Get out of my house.
This is not your house anymore.
Well, you made damn sure of that, didn't you, sweetheart?
- Bye, Nanna. - Bye, cutie.
She's all yours, David.
- Fantastic. - Nice.
Go big or go home, right, bud?
Go home, Dad.
JACOB: Did you see the headline today? HANNAH: What?
It says that you should call your dad.
No, it says, "Let's move on child obesity." Ha, ha.
No, it doesn't.
HANNAH: I'm not gonna call him. - No, it says you really should.
[BELL RINGS]
BARTENDER: Can I get you another?
- What time is it? BARTENDER: 2:30.
In the afternoon.
"Two-thirty" would have been sufficient...
...but thank you for the judgmental tone, cocktail servant.
I'm sorry...
[SIGHS]
Sorry for being a dick.
JACOB: Nice sweat suit.
[SIGHS]
What do you want?
- Uh, can I sit down? - I don't know, can you?
Are we gonna be adults about this, or we gonna...?
[IMITATING JACOB] "Are we gonna be adults about this?"
- It would mean a lot to me if we could talk. - Are you still seeing my daughter?
- Yes. - Then I have nothing to say to you.
Been hanging out here a lot?
Sometimes.
JACOB: You been missing a lot of work? - I have a lot of vacation days.
You know what? You have a lot of nerve.
Do you wanna do your shot?
She probably spit in it, so, no, thank you.
Your kids miss you, Cal.
You're hanging out with my kids? That's great.
Teach Robbie how to objectify women. He'll love that.
You know it's his eighth-grade graduation next week.
You gonna go to that?
Of course I'm going.
I just didn't know. You haven't really been around. I don't think he knows either.
I haven't been around for him? That's what you're telling me?
You know, he's not my biggest fan right now.
- He thinks I stole his soul mate. - He worships you, Cal.
- Is the parental advice over? Because if so... - I'm in love with her.
I love her.
I don't know what I was doing before this.
And I don't know what to do about it. It's not something I can really stop.
- Yeah? JACOB: Yeah.
- You love her? You love Hannah? JACOB: Yes.
Tell me about it. Tell me how much you love her.
JACOB: I'm just...
Look, Cal, it's not something that I wanted, okay?
I looked at people who were in love...
...and I thought the way that they were behaving...
...and the things that they were doing and saying...
...they appeared pathetic, honestly.
And I spent all this time with you, I'm trying to make you more like me...
...and it turns out I just wanna be...
[SIGHS]
I need that drink.
You gonna make me do this? I gotta really do this?
I had Hannah when I was 17.
I taught her how to ride a bike.
I taught her how to drive a car.
And I'm glad for you.
I'm happy for you, that you've changed.
I think it's fantastic that you're a better man.
But I've seen too much already.
- No. I know. I know too much. JACOB: I know. I know.
And it's Hannah.
And she's too good for you.
I agree.
I'm never gonna give you my approval.
You're a good dad, Cal.
Yep. Yep.
She spit. She spit in that.
Guys, I need you to pay attention.
Do not cut the line. I need everyone to stay in your positions, okay?
Guys, check your ties. Make sure everything is nice and neat.
Ladies, when you're on stage...
Mommy, look. Robbie's name.
CAL: Excuse me. Is this open?
BERNIE: How close? - Yeah, that's fine.
Good afternoon.
Welcome, parents, family and friends.
We're so pleased to have you here to celebrate this graduating class.
And now, to introduce our first student speaker...
...our very own Kate Tafferty.
- She's pretty. - Ugh.
Our first speaker is not only the class salutatorian...
...but is also...
[CHUCKLES]
...one of the most spirited young men...
...I've ever had the pleasure of teaching.
Ladies and gentlemen, Robbie Weaver.
- Whoo! - Robbie!
Welcome, class of 2011.
Our time as middle schoolers has come to an end.
We can't fight it anymore. We're getting old.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
All my life I wanted to grow up.
I wanted to grow older so people would take me seriously.
It all sounded so good to me.
Growing up, getting a job, getting married.
But...
...it's all a scam.
And love?
That's the biggest scam of all.
I was in love.
And I know that makes some of you laugh because I'm only 13...
...but whatever. I was.
And I used to think, and really believe...
...that there was one true love for everyone...
...and if you fought hard enough for that person...
...your one true love would always work out.
It sounded good to me when I was younger, but it just doesn't work that way.
- There is no such thing as one true love... - Stop.
[WHISPERING] Shit.
- Oh, boy. - Okay.
All right. Ahem. Excuse me.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- [WHISPERING] What are you doing? - What are you doing?
I was wrong, Dad. There's no such thing as...
[CAL CLEARS THROAT]
CAL [IN NORMAL VOICE]: I, uh...
Um...
[KATE CLEARING THROAT]
Oh. Well, here's the thing:
My son's graduation speech sucks.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
CAL: That's not a joke.
In fairness, I didn't know where he was going with that.
But I think we can all agree...
...it was headed in a kind of depressing, um, way.
[CAL CLEARS THROAT]
My son... Not him, my actual son.
- Believes in grand romantic gestures.
He believes in the existence...
...of one's soul mate.
And it's easy to just look at a 13-year-old and say:
"You don't know what you're talking about. You are wrong."
But I'm not so sure.
I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old.
We went out for ice cream.
After, my dad started teasing me about my first date, the way dads do.
And I told him, "Dad, it's no big deal.
I'm gonna be going out with a lot of different girls on a lot of different dates."
And that is the first time that I ever lied to my father.
I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old...
...and I have loved her every minute of every day...
...since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone.
I have loved her through the birth of my three perfect children.
I have loved her even when I've hated her.
Only married couples will understand that one.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
And I don't know if it's gonna work out.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
I'm sorry, Robbie, I can't give you that.
But I can promise you this:
I will never stop trying.
Because when you find the one...
...you never give up.
Do you have anything you'd like to say?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I still love you, Jessica.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]
And I love you, Emily.
[HANNAH LAUGHING]
I loved you ever since you first changed my sister's diaper.
I loved you when you came into my bedroom and I was under the covers...
- Stop him. CAL: No, no.
- What's he talking about? - I'm not ashamed of it.
CAL: Okay, we're good, we're good.
Oh, there's your mom. Let's go say hi.
Hey.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
There she is. My perfect girl.
Hi.
CAL: Okay.
So I bought a firearm...
...from a shady Internet site...
...and I am prepared to shoot you with it.
Come here.
Take care of her.
This is gonna be fun.
ROBBIE: I'm gonna talk to my friends.
Go hang with the other high schoolers. Go ahead, see if I care. I don't care.
I'm really glad you came.
So am I.
You were a really good babysitter, Jessica.
I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
- I thought you weren't giving up. ROBBIE: I'm not.
But I just figure...
...you like my dad...
...and in a few years I'll look like him.
I'll come for you then.
That's not a bad plan.
But...
Well, until then...
...just a little graduation gift to get you through high school.
ROBBIE: Thanks.
[CLEARS THROAT]
ROBBIE: So...
Can you...?
- Why...? - Take care, Robbie.
[SIGHS]
Holy crap.
- He looks pretty happy. - Yeah.
- God, I hate that haircut, though. - Ick.
- I know. He looks like a sheepdog. - Mm-hm.
Oh, my eyes! My eyes! My eyes!
It's been a really hard year.
How so?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Yeah, there were a couple little blips, I guess.
- I know. - I guess I just, you know...
Really what I want to say...
...is that I'm so glad you bought me that ice cream.
Me too.
[EMILY CHUCKLING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[English - US - SDH]